Blog

I was recently featured on the Master Your Mind Podcast by Kelsey EC.

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE HERE

At the end of every session with my therapist, she asks me this question. So, now, I ask you… 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙜𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙙𝙤 𝙩𝙤𝙙𝙖𝙮 (or tomorrow – if it’s late) 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛 ? The question is perfect because it makes you think, leads an answer by asking “what” not “if” or “will I”, and it reminds us to prioritize ourselves in our healing journeys. I usually say exercise, Netflix, or spending time with my boyfriend, but last week I said, “finally take the plunge and start my trauma page.” And here we are. Sappy thank you stuff below I have literally been working up to this since February, and couldn’t get the motivation to do it. Turns out it was a freeze response and PTSD showing up in new ways, so therapy was a good next step for me first. Rambling aside, thank you. Thank you for your comments, for those messaging privately to share gratitude and how it’s helping them already. Thank you! This really is my calling. The universe has been pushing me towards this for, what I think is literally my whole life, but especially the past year. Y’all being here and getting something out of it makes me all warm and fuzzy. So much love, friends -Taelor

Finish this statement: “I am… ___.” If you’re anything like me, that was hard. I had a really hard time explaining who I was after a traumatic assault. I struggled significantly with lost identity. I described myself as “a shell of a person” who was somehow navigating the world.

Later, in my research, I discovered that I was NOT the only one. Did you know that a potential symptom of trauma is not knowing who you are, where you fit in the world, or even feeling comfortable in your own skin? This is particularly true for emotional abuse survivors (more on that later).

This loss of sense of self may be because what you thought you knew, potentially who you trusted, was completely thrown out the window. Maybe survival mode is a scary place for you, one that you don’t want to claim as who you are but it feels like you now. (I’ll let you in on a secret, survival mode doesn’t define you).

Trauma symptoms overtake us, so much so that we relate them to who we now are. It’s not familiar, so we may lose our sense of self. Somehow, in the tornado of aftermath, we may lose our personality, our likes and dislikes, motivation, routine. It may feel like we’ve lost everything. But there is hope.

Years ago, my therapist asked me this question, “who are you?” I was so proud of myself and came up with a laundry list of things that I was. She shocked me and said that was who I was to others. She then asked me to come up with things that were not tied to anyone else or a role, and I had… nothing. Who I was internally felt like a betrayal, and I didn’t want to claim it. The road is hard, I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy. But the most rewarding thing, in my opinion, is when you rediscover who you are again. Trauma took a lot from me, but I’ve begun to find my way back to me. There’s hope, you’re not alone. My therapist was my wake up call. Me feeling that way was a symptom or effect of something that happened to me. It was not me.

You are enough. Who you are is who you have always been. You may fit differently into some places now, but that doesn’t mean you’re not a whole human being. I am sending so much love your way, survivors.

trigger warning – sexual assault Flashback to me at 22 years old, sitting in a cold chair in a dark room, shivering (either due to shock, fear, temperature or all of the above), waiting to be swabbed for DNA late at night following hours spent at the hospital with the police and emergency room staff reporting the sexual assault. I was then handed this pamphlet (I wish I still had it), but these words will stick with me forever. “An estimated 98 in 100 report a break-in to their car, and 1 in 100 report a break-in to their body,” read the first page of the pamphlet. The lady smiled at me and said, I was one of the lucky ones. I couldn’t believe that anyone would say that THIS is lucky. She told me so many don’t even get this far and at least I could have proof of what happened. I looked at the statistics on the flyer and my jaw dropped. Should I have felt brave as I was shaking? Should I have felt terrified for the others out there like me who didn’t tell anyone? Be sure to check out my next post for more details for my story #WhenIReported as part of an awareness campaign for @voicesinaction When I reported, it was the last place I wanted to be and couldn’t believe how I was treated…

#WhenIReported it was the hardest experience I’ve ever been through & not just the assault, but because of how I was treated when it came out. I was sexually assaulted by someone I considered family, though no blood relation, when I was 22 years old. I will go more into the morning after story, but for now I will skip to when it came out. That evening when I had arrived home, I called my best friend & told him it was an emergency. When he arrived, I told him I thought something might have happened (scared to admit it). He was very supportive, didn’t push, but also encouraged me to talk to someone close to me. He left, I called my mom, & I started pacing uncontrollably. No emotion, no direction, just in shock. My brother walked in the door and my body started shaking uncontrollably, screaming, “He raped me, he raped me!” now my whole body shaking, falling further to the ground with every step. Weak. Confused. Terrified. My mom came over & called the perpetrator’s sister-in-law who worked as a 911 operator because she’d know what to do. I didn’t want to break up my loved ones, & tried to convince them I wasn’t going to report it. They eventually convinced me & said, “we don’t victim blame in this family.” I was escorted to the hospital, told not to change or shower, & was checked in. When I got there, the cops asked me questions. The first question they said was “what were you wearing?” followed by “are you sure you didn’t lead him on?” “you didn’t give him any indication of consent?” As if they didn’t believe me while I was physically shaking in shock + fear, covered in bruises. I also did what was called a confrontation call later that week, where I was sitting next to a detective, calling my attacker, trying to get him to confess on recording for the trial. He admitted it, & even asked if he should kill himself. After, he got a lawyer, & came back saying I was mentally unstable + made the whole thing up. My “family” who didn’t “victim blame,” left me. My grandma asked me to drop charges because it was hurting “her family” while I cried & pleaded it happened. I lost 2/3 of my support system by the end. And that was only the beginning…

What’s your preferred identifier? Victim, survivor, warrior? All or none of the above? Let’s unpack the definitions. First, victim. This word gives me chills

victim • one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions ; one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment

This is often the term we see in the news. The victim. When someone gave me this identity, I felt powerless. I felt awful. I didn’t want to claim it. Whether it was law enforcement on a police report or a friend, something about it felt untrue to my identity. Sure, I was struggling. Someone attacked me. Really, really hurt me. But a victim? No. That can’t be me. That’s what they call those people who are discovered in Dateline. Mine weren’t that severe. That’s just not me. A victim is a word, a label society places on us. It feels all-encompassing, finite. But it does not define you. You get to decide how you want to be identified. To me, I’m a survivor (hence our name here @survivorsovercomingsilence).

survivor • a person who survives ; a person who copes well with difficulties in life.

People took so much from me, but I didn’t let that stop me in the end. I rose. I’ve also used the term warrior to identify.

warrior • a person engaged in some conflict or struggle ; a brave or experienced fighter or soldier

I also know that I became a warrior and I now live to tell the tale. To me, victim is a perception from others & warrior or survivor is more of a perception within ourselves. However, you decide how you want to be identified and perceived. So, I want to know. How do you like to be referred as when discussing trauma? Share in the comments with which you prefer

Dear Survivor, There is no judgment here, only love and acceptance. Whether you have chronic PTSD, think maybe you are displaying symptoms of trauma, are somewhere in between, are going to or not going therapy, it’s okay. Wherever you are is okay. Everyone’s journey is unique. Healing is a constant, not an ending. You are welcome here at any stage. I see you, and I welcome you.

Do you believe it? My hope is if you stick around with me at Survivors Overcoming Silence, after some time, you will. I struggled for many years with low self-esteem from countless instances of emotional abuse in my childhood. I didn’t trust my thoughts. I didn’t believe I was worthy of taking up space. I didn’t believe that me or my opinions, thoughts, dreams… I didn’t matter. After years of working on myself, I can confidently say that I have value. I matter. And I am going to use that value to make a difference. Always remember, you matter. Even if you do not think so right now, I’ll believe it for you.

𝗪𝗵𝗼 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗱 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻’𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗺𝗳𝘂𝗹, 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴? 𝘕𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭. 𝘕𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘰𝘳 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭. 𝗡𝗼 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗲𝗹𝘀𝗲 𝗴𝗲𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗶𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂. Trauma is an individual experience. We all have different coping mechanisms, life experiences, supports, and barriers that may lead to trauma processing differently. Your experience is valid. Don’t allow anyone to tell you what trauma is like to you. Please see reposting guidelines under disclaimers, thank you