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Exploring the Depths of Our Emotions
Today, we are going to look deeper into emotions. Alright, I know some of you are already wanting to run away from this post, but bear with me, okay? It may feel scary and uncomfortable because it is important. And I really, really believe it will help you in healing and processing. It sure helped me.
We all experience emotions constantly. Some may feel good, and some you may not enjoy as much, but that doesn’t mean emotions are “good” or “bad.” We may have been conditioned to think that way from our own experiences, often those deeper ingrained from experiences at a young age.
When we were angry at a friend and said mean words, we got in trouble.
When we were sad we lost our toy, we cried and that felt bad.
When we were excited we got to go on the coolest vacation, that felt amazing.
However, they are simply part of the human experience, and really, clues.
Clues to what may be going on underneath the surface. They are often tied to past experiences, particularly for trauma survivors. Emotional responses may not feel safe or comfortable. You may feel “triggered” with a heavier emotional response than normal and not know fully what’s going on. Let me tell you… As a chronic trauma childhood survivor of emotional and physical abuse, and later as an adult, surviving sexual assault and coming out with a PTSD diagnosis (deep breath as I go into the next phrase)… I understand this all too well.
I went into my most recent therapy appointment frustrated. Frustrated that these strong “negative” emotions were coming up that I hadn’t felt before and I had no idea why. But I didn’t like it. It didn’t matter what really was happening, I jumped to anger. And I mean with EVERYTHING.
Angry that I grew up with the parents I did.
Angry I had to set boundaries.
Angry that my partner was tired when I wanted to spend time with him.
Angry that they were out of my favorite food at the grocery store.
Angry that there was so much on my plate at work.
Angry that people weren’t listening to health providers recommendations.
Angry that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life.
Angry at myself that I was feeling angry at everything.
Just. Angry.
Plus, I was confused, which made me even more upset, because *I* am *not* an “angry person.” I have always been very tolerant, and since going deeper into therapy and with the changes I’ve been making… that’s the person, definition of who I was, that I was becoming. Or so I thought.
Today, we’re going to explore the depth of emotions, and help you to understand what layers may be under your own emotions. Throughout this exercise, I encourage you to be curious, not judgmental. I know that can be challenging, so maybe try looking at your life like as if you’re watching a movie. You aren’t the main character *right now*, feeling everything and having to adapt or react to the circumstances. You are siimply the spectator seeing the experience objectively. We can truly see more of the clues emotions provide us when we step outside of our subjective experience, or what is within our own heads and from only our own point of view.
Ready? Alright. Let’s do this.
First, I want you to think of an emotion. It may be beneficial to start with an uncomfortable emotion for you or maybe an uncomfortable one. You decide what feels best.
I am going to start with anger, since that is what I am experiencing a lot these days. Now, this can be done mentally, for a little, however I encourage you to write it out somewhere so that you can look back and objectively see what was in your head.
Start with the emotion and circle it in the middle of the paper. What things do you immediately think of when you associate with that emotion. Draw a line from anger and write down and circle the next thing. Now continue the process. As many different things as you can think of. For anger, I think of things like “fighting”, “being wronged”, and “losing control”, as an example of an immediate association. It may also be a personal experience that comes up. It may be a person. It can even be an idea. No judgment. Don’t think about it. Just write it down.
Now, from there, take each of those things you associated with anger, and come up with as many things as possible that you associate with each of those. For example, for “fighting” I came up with “aggression” “yelling” “getting hurt” “feeling unsafe” etc. Continue that for every association you haven’t and keep going each level until you can’t anymore. When it gets hard to go deeper, keep thinking. Keep pushing. Just write. Don’t think. Don’t judge. Just write.
You may be feeling emotional even as you are writing this, that’s okay. Let it out.
Once you get to the end, it should look like a web you did in school wayyy back when. Lots of bubbles. Lots of lines. If some bubbles connect to others, it’s okay if they even connect to multiple bubbles. Just notice.
Now, I want you to take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Focus on the movement of your chest and stomach as you deeply exhale and inhale. Feel the sensations of your body. Hold your hands wherever they feel comfortable and let whatever you just experienced go – to the best of your ability. If it feels good right now to analyze what you wrote, great. If you need some time, save it in a safe place to come look to later when you’re ready.
Things I want you to notice and be curious about:
What were my endpoints?
Were there any similarities as I went deeper into each level?
Was there anything that came up that I didn’t expect?
For me, these three questions led me to some deep revelations. I learned, that common themes for each of the anger associations were fear, feeling unsafe, losing people I cared about or feeling alone, and feeling unsupported or overwhelmed. Uhm… I thought I was just angry? Apparently not. There were also *memories* that came up while I was writing that I didn’t even remember I remembered!!!
What did this teach me? This anger response in the present day is the little girl who never felt comfortable. Who never felt safe. Who had to take care of everyone and keep everything in control because the moment she wasn’t or the environment wasn’t, she got hurt. Who felt alone and unheard, whose friends were pushed away because of actions of others. Who was told she wasn’t enough and believed it. Who was fearful of pretty much everything because nothing was stable or predictable, and when it was bad, it was really bad. But she never knew when that was coming.
That anger was truly a clue to what I’ve been processing in therapy. How some experiences that were out of my control were actually triggering the deep feeling of living in an unsafe and insecure household without any true support or love.
For me, this was my inner child screaming at me to pay attention to her and let her release all of her fears.
What did this exercise bring up in you?
Comment below if you feel comfortable sharing. And remember, our emotions are clues. And if we are listening, they tell us what we need to heal or address in our own lives.
Wishing you the best, survivor. I’m here for you. And if you’re not already, come hang out on Instagram where the community speaks and opens up about experiences so you feel a whole lot less along.
Until next time!
<3 Taelor
NEW! SOS Weekly Social Media Series
Coming in HOT starting tomorrow 🔥 for the new SOS Social Media Lineup for survivors and their supporters:
𝑴𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒓𝒂 𝑴𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒂𝒚
– beginning of the week motivation, reminders to live by as we rewire our subconscious thoughts / programs after adversity
𝑻𝒆𝒓𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒐𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒚 𝑻𝒖𝒆𝒔𝒅𝒂𝒚
– learning the what behind all these dang trauma terms , simplifying the complex to increase awareness & understanding
𝑾𝒊𝒔𝒅𝒐𝒎 𝑾𝒆𝒅𝒏𝒆𝒔𝒅𝒂𝒚
– bringing survivors together to reflect on what they’ve learned and share with others ; those who share will have a chance to be featured as well 🤗
𝑻𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝑨𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝑰𝒕 𝑻𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒔𝒅𝒂𝒚
– deep dives meant to help you think deeper, open your mind , and grow. Some will be via video or on the SOS blog!
𝑭𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝑮𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝑭𝒓𝒊𝒅𝒂𝒚
– after the hustle & bustle of the week, reflecting and finding the positives, the wins, and celebrating survivors! 🥳
𝑺𝒖𝒓𝒗𝒊𝒗𝒐𝒓 𝑺𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒆𝒔 𝑺𝒂𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒅𝒂𝒚
– video or blog interviews with brave survivors who share pieces of their stories with the community #overcomingsilence 🙌
Follow along on instagram and facebook, see you there!!!
Emotional numbing, pt. 2
So you know there’s a problem, now what… The answer: it’s up to you! Based on your experiences, your beliefs, your motivation, your coping strategies, your support, the answer changes. I want you to ask yourself these 6 questions (scroll through the images). From there, you can begin to see what may work in your life. What has worked in the past? Okay, so I am going to try and apply it in this way. What’s holding me back? Well, it’s this. (then what you do from there is your choice) Once we uncover that something undesirable is occurring, it’s up to us to look deeper into the what and why in order to discover our individual how. For me? It was preparatory. I didn’t like how i acted when I drank too much and so I stopped. I didn’t like that when I had even a mildly hard day, I turned to a glass of wine so I changed it to something positive and effective like journaling. I was very worried about addictive tendencies and using alcohol to mask trauma symptoms so if I had any spell of PTSD symptoms, I stopped drinking for at least a couple of months entirely. It came down to my AWARENESS, my WILLINGNESS to change that, and my ACTIONS. Hard? You betcha! Doable? ABSOLUTELY! You’re not alone, and you have support in this community 
Emotional numbing, pt 1
Have you ever known something was too heavy & so you didn’t want to feel it? In some instances, our bodies may do this automatically like in PTSD. In other instances, we use different methods to “numb” our feelings. This can be done through what we eat, substance use like drugs or alcohol, over exercising, sleeping constantly, and more! All of these can be used as a strategy to numb the pain or emotions associated with trauma. Yes, there are memes and jokes about this all over the internet for the “coping” through 2020. But it can be very harmful if a consistent pattern. I recently had a community member DM me and ask if I had experience with this and was looking for advice on how to stop before it became a problem. This person noticed a pattern and that they were using this legal substance to numb the unbearable pain of the past week. They knew it wasn’t a problem yet, but was afraid it would become one. But right now, those emotions were far too heavy and intense to feel. So what do they do? In my experience, the first step is awareness. Whenever I know I am experiencing a trauma response, coming up on a hard time, or am feeling really really heavy symptoms, I immediately step away from the alcohol. Even if it isn’t a problem now, I don’t want my brain to rely on alcohol for managing emotions. Instead, I feel through the hurt (yes, I know, it’s hardd) and let myself be low for a few days or however long it takes. I cancel plans or call out of work – whatever I need. Then, when I have one moment (even the tiniest) of feeling better, I use that to the full advantage. I fill that moment with things that I KNOW are backed by research, that I know have worked in the past, and I do that every time I feel even a small burst of energy. Eventually, my nervous system responds to the positive treatment I am giving it and I am able to cope more with the hard stuff – because I am proactively and actively taking care of my needs to the fullest. I. Go. Hard. And if sleep is an issue, which is what was the biggest thing for me post assault – I think of what else I can use aside from alcohol to sleep. I used melatonin and it helped me a lot.
Hold on…
𝙃𝙤𝙡𝙙 𝙤𝙣… Whether you’re like me desperately trying to hold onto those last few moments of fall or you’re someone in a hard place right now losing hope. My message to you is the same. Hold on, friend.
It doesn’t matter if you are a healthcare worker or someone on the frontlines, someone struggling with isolation, a survivor being triggered or newly discovering / remembering pieces of their upbringing that were lost + forgotten, or something else entirely, this time is hard for many and many of us are
… just 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘣𝘺 𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥.
But, friend, I encourage you to hold on tightly. It will pass eventually. Our lives may look differently at the end of this all, but I am here for you.
I spent many years feeling lost, powerless, hurt, and no one was hearing my disguised cries for help. I have also this year been impacted by being laid off in this time, having worsening symptoms of PTSD that led me to finally starting EMDR therapy (a challenge in itself) to work through alllll of the things that are silently steering my life, and also working on the frontlines and working through triggers of unsafe and unstable feelings there. It can feel unbearable at times, but I am so glad that I am continuing to move forward.
You are strong. You are capable. You will get through.
Hold on, friend. If you need to vent or just need someone there, sound off in the comments.
Let me know how I can support you all in this time. Sending so much love, strength, and healing to this community.
Taelor
Awareness is key
“Awareness is key” This a phrase that you will hear from me a LOT. And that’s because awareness is the first step towards anything. Any kind of growth, change, self-development, boundaries, risks… Getting to know yourself, your needs, how you react, what you desire… It all comes down to getting to deeply know who you are.
And that’s what I’ll be facilitating here.
For many, this can seem scary. Years ago, I was terrified to get into my own head. It wasn’t safe, there was a lot of pain I was suppressing and running from, but I started slowly peeling back layers to my comfort level and now I can say that I do know myself well and my brain often is NOT a scary place to be.
Many of you said that you want to learn how to help others, how to help yourself, and work on the coping strategies.
We’ll get there, and I will share all of it. We are absolutely going to foster that awareness in yourself, of trauma and what it is, and then it’s up to you to decide what to do with it.
I’m here to empower and support you, give you the baseline knowledge, and help you begin to apply it. It all comes down to your awareness. If you want to stay in your comfort zone, you may not benefit as much here.
We’re getting real, we’re breaking silence, smashing barriers *insert glass breaking sound*
and building awareness so YOU can make a change. I see you, survivor. And I’m with you. Let’s do this!
You can do hard things
How many times have you thought “that’s too hard” or “I can’t do that”? Guess what! You CAN!
Today, I did something that I ran from since March. I recorded my first full educational video in preparation for a whole new platform. And it was harrrdd. I was not expecting the level of challenge that I had, but I didn’t let it stop me this time.
Last night, I tried, and I decided to go to sleep and call it a failed attempt after one too many bloopers. But then I got up this morning, and did it again. For me, this is hard because of the level of vulnerability, for putting my story & my knowledge out for public display for others do with what they wish. I’m actively over thinking as I’m talking which throws off everything. If you don’t know, I am a controoollll freak. And once I hit publish on that video YouTube platform, I no longer have control. And that is scary. So taking steps forward have been hard, but as I remind my clients, friends, and myself… I can do hard things. And so can you.
Even if you feel like it’s a failure. Even if you’re shaking. Even if you do not know what you’re going to do after that step, I encourage you to consider taking the step. Because if you’re anything like me, it feels EMPOWERING to know that you did it (and you just may take some more while you’re at it )
Coming out of dysregulation
This week, my nervous system was completely dysregulated
My higher level cognitive functions were shut off (organization, problem solving, critical thinking), my capacity to manage my emotions was very low, and I jumped from one emotional spectrum to the other quickly. I felt a little something like this
At first, I was frustrated
(okay, actually freaking mad) that this was happening to me. I do all the work, I know all the things… WHY WAS MY BODY BETRAYING ME?! But once I was back to a calm state, I realized that my body was bringing up stuff to be processed, to heal through it. This is the part of therapy they don’t tell you about. It’s not just in the room, but outside of it & at, often, unforeseen times. It’s normal. See, all my life, I pushed stuff down. It was too scary and so my brain hid it from me, but now that I’m actively in therapy and doing EMDR, more & more is coming to the surface.
This past week, I felt a lot of anger. I even snapped verbally at my partner – like could feel the anger in the pit of my stomach level of rage. I had to sit with it and realize why it was happening (& yes it was misdirected). Today, that anger from my mini me protector (think small Lizzie McGuire) came out and came back with me as I processed the assault +how people I trusted treated me.
That mini me was ANGRY. She got up in my attackers face – yelling, cussing, kicking, telling them they are messed up and a scum of a human & finallyyyy letting all of that anger OUT! Something that used to be completely numb is beginning to feel again. And, yes, it felt safe doing so with a smaller version of me that was slightly removed from me, but it felt amazing.
This week was a whirlwind of nervous system responses and I hated myself for it… But it led me to some huge breakthroughs in therapy AND I communicated through it better than ever before. I’ll share some strategies I used & how I communicated the overloaded system in another post
