Today, we are going to look deeper into emotions. Alright, I know some of you are already wanting to run away from this post, but bear with me, okay? It may feel scary and uncomfortable because it is important. And I really, really believe it will help you in healing and processing. It sure helped me.
We all experience emotions constantly. Some may feel good, and some you may not enjoy as much, but that doesn’t mean emotions are “good” or “bad.” We may have been conditioned to think that way from our own experiences, often those deeper ingrained from experiences at a young age.
When we were angry at a friend and said mean words, we got in trouble.
When we were sad we lost our toy, we cried and that felt bad.
When we were excited we got to go on the coolest vacation, that felt amazing.
However, they are simply part of the human experience, and really, clues.
Clues to what may be going on underneath the surface. They are often tied to past experiences, particularly for trauma survivors. Emotional responses may not feel safe or comfortable. You may feel “triggered” with a heavier emotional response than normal and not know fully what’s going on. Let me tell you… As a chronic trauma childhood survivor of emotional and physical abuse, and later as an adult, surviving sexual assault and coming out with a PTSD diagnosis (deep breath as I go into the next phrase)… I understand this all too well.
I went into my most recent therapy appointment frustrated. Frustrated that these strong “negative” emotions were coming up that I hadn’t felt before and I had no idea why. But I didn’t like it. It didn’t matter what really was happening, I jumped to anger. And I mean with EVERYTHING.
Angry that I grew up with the parents I did.
Angry I had to set boundaries.
Angry that my partner was tired when I wanted to spend time with him.
Angry that they were out of my favorite food at the grocery store.
Angry that there was so much on my plate at work.
Angry that people weren’t listening to health providers recommendations.
Angry that I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life.
Angry at myself that I was feeling angry at everything.
Just. Angry.
Plus, I was confused, which made me even more upset, because *I* am *not* an “angry person.” I have always been very tolerant, and since going deeper into therapy and with the changes I’ve been making… that’s the person, definition of who I was, that I was becoming. Or so I thought.
Today, we’re going to explore the depth of emotions, and help you to understand what layers may be under your own emotions. Throughout this exercise, I encourage you to be curious, not judgmental. I know that can be challenging, so maybe try looking at your life like as if you’re watching a movie. You aren’t the main character *right now*, feeling everything and having to adapt or react to the circumstances. You are siimply the spectator seeing the experience objectively. We can truly see more of the clues emotions provide us when we step outside of our subjective experience, or what is within our own heads and from only our own point of view.
Ready? Alright. Let’s do this.
First, I want you to think of an emotion. It may be beneficial to start with an uncomfortable emotion for you or maybe an uncomfortable one. You decide what feels best.
I am going to start with anger, since that is what I am experiencing a lot these days. Now, this can be done mentally, for a little, however I encourage you to write it out somewhere so that you can look back and objectively see what was in your head.
Start with the emotion and circle it in the middle of the paper. What things do you immediately think of when you associate with that emotion. Draw a line from anger and write down and circle the next thing. Now continue the process. As many different things as you can think of. For anger, I think of things like “fighting”, “being wronged”, and “losing control”, as an example of an immediate association. It may also be a personal experience that comes up. It may be a person. It can even be an idea. No judgment. Don’t think about it. Just write it down.
Now, from there, take each of those things you associated with anger, and come up with as many things as possible that you associate with each of those. For example, for “fighting” I came up with “aggression” “yelling” “getting hurt” “feeling unsafe” etc. Continue that for every association you haven’t and keep going each level until you can’t anymore. When it gets hard to go deeper, keep thinking. Keep pushing. Just write. Don’t think. Don’t judge. Just write.
You may be feeling emotional even as you are writing this, that’s okay. Let it out.
Once you get to the end, it should look like a web you did in school wayyy back when. Lots of bubbles. Lots of lines. If some bubbles connect to others, it’s okay if they even connect to multiple bubbles. Just notice.
Now, I want you to take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Focus on the movement of your chest and stomach as you deeply exhale and inhale. Feel the sensations of your body. Hold your hands wherever they feel comfortable and let whatever you just experienced go – to the best of your ability. If it feels good right now to analyze what you wrote, great. If you need some time, save it in a safe place to come look to later when you’re ready.
Things I want you to notice and be curious about:
What were my endpoints?
Were there any similarities as I went deeper into each level?
Was there anything that came up that I didn’t expect?
For me, these three questions led me to some deep revelations. I learned, that common themes for each of the anger associations were fear, feeling unsafe, losing people I cared about or feeling alone, and feeling unsupported or overwhelmed. Uhm… I thought I was just angry? Apparently not. There were also *memories* that came up while I was writing that I didn’t even remember I remembered!!!
What did this teach me? This anger response in the present day is the little girl who never felt comfortable. Who never felt safe. Who had to take care of everyone and keep everything in control because the moment she wasn’t or the environment wasn’t, she got hurt. Who felt alone and unheard, whose friends were pushed away because of actions of others. Who was told she wasn’t enough and believed it. Who was fearful of pretty much everything because nothing was stable or predictable, and when it was bad, it was really bad. But she never knew when that was coming.
That anger was truly a clue to what I’ve been processing in therapy. How some experiences that were out of my control were actually triggering the deep feeling of living in an unsafe and insecure household without any true support or love.
For me, this was my inner child screaming at me to pay attention to her and let her release all of her fears.
What did this exercise bring up in you?
Comment below if you feel comfortable sharing. And remember, our emotions are clues. And if we are listening, they tell us what we need to heal or address in our own lives.
Wishing you the best, survivor. I’m here for you. And if you’re not already, come hang out on Instagram where the community speaks and opens up about experiences so you feel a whole lot less along.